• Me trying to express how I feel: Idk I just feel like...idk...idk man. Nvm I'm good.
  • 22 year old me: *Looks into camera* I am...standing in front of my beautiful home. I just got back from a short vacation and it's my dorders( who I uniquely named Dorder b/c she is my dorder) 4th birthday so I'm going to surprise her and my husband Aubrey, you may know him as Drake, I call him Aubrey because we're on a first name basis because we are married...and in love.
  • Me: *Opens door* Hello.mp3!
  • Drake: *Eagerly runs downstairs carrying dorder because he is happy to see me because we are in love* Oh my God! I am so happy to see you!
  • Me: Surprise! Get my luggage sweetie. *Smiles at the camera*
  • Drake: Hold the baby for me?
  • Me: No, thank you.
  • Drake: You sure? You haven't seen her in a long time and she misses y-
  • Me: Aubrey I do not want to hold that child.
  • Drake: *Nods and sits dorder on the floor* What's with the camera crew?
  • Me: Well, I am...filming my ICONIC return home from vacation.
  • Drake: I wouldn't call it vacation you were gone for an entire year. *rich white man laugh*
  • Me: I can call it whatever the hale I wanna call it but anyway- *Kneels and ruffles Dorders hair* -my little cutie pie turned 3 and as you all know, I do not particularly like the number 3. At all. So now I am home because I do, in fact, enjoy the number 4.
  • Drake: I completely understand, I'm not too fond of the number 7.
  • Me: Are you coming for me?
  • Drake: I don't understand.
  • Me: Everyone knows that I was born on August 8th and 7 is one less than 8 and I'm starting to feel VERY attacked.
  • Drake: I apologize I see how that could be taken offensively, I was out of line.
  • literaryghoul:

    unless your teachers are abusive assholes there is no fucking reason to disrespect them

    they are literally trying their hardest to get you an education

    teachers have every right to complain about rude students or the amount of papers they have to grade because their salary is low as shit

    oh wow, your math teacher yelled at you because you were ignoring the lesson and talking to your friend

    i wonder why

    jesus christ teachers have it hard enough dont be an asshole

    I want to do this with someone! Now pleasee!

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    snaketeen:

    Turn your binoculars around. See now the tigers are smaller and further away. you gotta be smart to survive in the rainforest.

    sarcastic-snowflake:

    So every morning I get off the train and start my 20 minute walk to work, and there’s this guy who’s always like 3 steps ahead of me and always beats me to the street corner bc I get stopped by the light and he passes it. but today I was ahead of him for the first time and he RUNS in front of me, turns around and goes “I’ve been winning for 2 months now, can’t stop now, have a good day, see you tomorrow.”  tmrw I swear i’m wearing running shoes to work. 

    This is how soul mates meet

    ejbeachy:

    Fun Fact: Quiet people are aware that they are quiet. They don’t need you to point it out to them. They know. Please stop. 

    familyfriendlyurl:

    let me in ur friend group ill be that weird kid who occasionally says funny stuff and who nobody actually likes